The secret agent has got no friends, for if he was authentic- he would have to disclose his real loyalty. He has no one he can really be himself with. If he shared his secret belonging – he will meet: lack of understanding, being looked at as weird, feeling uncomfortable with him.
His only friends are the messages he receives from his kingdom of belonging, pieces of home from which he breathes deeply the sense of belonging.
When he is with ‘his friends’ he feels alienated, out of breath, locked in the small prison of the role he plays in this act. Very careful not to speak what is really on his mind, because it will generally meet lack of comprehension, in the best case, and hostility in the worst.
So, he continues to live in disguises, pretending to belong to this place.
But the truth of the matter is that from anyone who he is close to, even without admitting his real identity – he gets ambivalent feelings; for even with his disguises – they sense that he is not one of them, and thus it happens that the closest people to him can one day get out of his life and disconnect the cord of closeness between them, just disappearing all of a sudden into the thin air.
In the meanwhile he meets recruits, knowing that amongst them there would be may be one or even two, to whom he can tell about his mission. Hoping desperately, that at least one recruit who is of his kind, can be a partner to his secret mission, and by that could be a substitute for a friend. For more than his commitment to his mission – he suffers loneliness, being at the mountain top of his mission, a top that almost no one can climb to.
His longing for true friendship is almost as strong as his loyalty to his mission, for except his mission – he has got a life, his own personal life, and among the priorities in his private life, the issue of friendship is very dear to him; to be with someone and not playing a role, to be authentic, to have a true dialog, to share an intimacy with another soul – are his hidden aspirations.
In his search for friends of similar devotion, similar mission – he joined several clubs, sects, esoteric schools – looking for friends of kind, but mostly he found people and teachers that behaved as though they are from a different universe, different dimension, but in fact they very much belonged to this place. Deep in them they were not different from the rest in this place.