Rollo May (Book: Love & Will https://amzn.to/3mPVxS8)
The main difference between our love and mother’s love is purity; our love is not pure, it is its impurities which kill it, and it is the impurities which are the residue which is left after love had gone.
Why when love ends, it leaves behind either alienation or even hostility? Why when love ends it doesn’t leave behind good feelings and friendship (for the sake of what was).
The only conclusion must be, that those negative impurities and conditions – poison and even, kill the love.
We hardly know what pure love is.
Children’s love is impure comparatively, because it is with the needing ego.
But romantic love has got the most impurities (such as: arguments, possession, jealousy, betrayal, etc.).
Why is that?
There could be only one answer; we are not mature enough (emotionally) to experience pure love.
Infantile love is not love but dependence and consumtion.
It is easy to think that we are born with pure love, and later it gets contaminated, but it is the other way around; it is impure to begin with, for it is the ego and immature emotions – which rule.
And in order to love purely and unconditionally, we need to evacuate the impurities.
Mothers has got it genetically, they are conditions for pure love, it is not them, it is their hormones. With us, in romantic love,it is much more difficult, we get it raw, and the center of gravity, is still us and our ego, and not the partner.
There is no other way around it; we need to grow up, after massive cleaning, in order to arrive at unconditioned love.
Without cleaning the impurities and maturing emotionally – our love would remain like a diamond before polish, very different from its shine and brilliance – after the polish.
Our love is an invitation for self-work, and not for consuming its ‘anti loneliness’ quality.
Almost no one is willing to do self-work in order to arrive at pure love, we insist to sweep the cream of the cake, we believe it is our right to enjoy it, and the idea that now that we are in love, we can begin to self-work – is foreign and unacceptable by most of us.
The best way to do it right is to self-develop together, hand in hand, knowing about our limitations, putting up with it and try not to take it personally, but to support support and more support – until we both grow up enough, above the level of our infantile and egocentric love.
(If one partner has developed and matured, while the other partner remains in a raw state – than the emotionally mature partner will become a drain pipe for the other’s impurities).
“Love isn’t something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
― Fromm, Eric, The Art of Loving
“Infantile love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.”
Mature love follows the principle: “I am loved because I love.”
Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.”
Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving