The family dinner
A territory fight, example young couple and his best friend
Under the iceberg
The picture of life !
Rationalisation, example woman at the psychologist
GS: It is a situation of a family dinner and everybody comes there and this so called great happening is a reason for party. But what is really going on there in a tituation like this?
G: Various playwrights already said that the in the most ordinary families and at the most celebrated and enjoyed dinner table – what actually goes on is actually a Pandora box…. But it takes place not at the outer level.
1. The family dinner
Any serious human being with some of vision, sees that there is the outer level and the inner level. Now most people look at the outer level: sitting at the dinner table to talk about work/ what they are going to do on holiday, what the neighbor said, etc.
2. The playwright
G: For them that is what actually is happening. But again those are people without inside view. What they talk about is what is happening on the outside. If you take for example a playwright, the whole idea of a play, is to exposes the inner drama, the inner conflict between and within the people.
GS: they show the fraud in a way.
G: No, I don’t think so, because when people are faking it – they know the inner truth and deliberately fake it, here it is different: they fool themselves to believe that the outer level is the whole truth and nothing but… most of them are not aware of what lays under the cover.
What will help us to understand it, is: body language, because the body never lies. With it, it is limited to the depth it can go into: the depth of the emotions, it is not the depth of inner psychological motives: But nevertheless it is a peep into the inside view. For examole: how much territory everyone takes, who interrupts whom, who speaks louder, who is the person everyone looks at the most? Who is sinking in their chairs? Who are the people who make noises with their plate? Etec. ete
GS: it sounds like a powerstruggle, what is happening there?
3. Territory fight, example: young couple and his best friend
G: It is a territory fight and wherever you have people, you get a territory fight. For example, a couple, a young loving couple and the man has a good friend.
The best friend of the man comes to visit. Apparently everyone is very happy. This man is the best friend of the man for years, and he has been talking about him many times. And when he comes they have an excellent time, excellent conversation, and they go to a fantastic restaurants.. They return home . And then she says she has a headache and goes upstairs, the husband goes upstairs to see why she is not coming down, instead of coming down after 2 minutes, like he said. He stays there 10 minutes. When they come down they talk on how hard she is working.
So far above he surface, but under it, tension is building but none mentions what really goes on.
And what goes on is that she is insecure about him being really hers, and he (the husband) is afraid that one of her moods is coming.
So staying 10 minutes upstairs- enlarges the territory that they have together. And he, the friend, feels suddenly neglected. His territory is shrinking…
And he doesn’t know why he does not feel so good anymore,. It does not even cross his mind that it has to do with these 10 minutes upstairs.
And this is an undercurrent between people, the territorial thing. it is a very massive one. Every one is sensitive about his/their – territory and no one has enough.
Here we saw insecurity about one’s territory, but often there is actual invasion of the territory of others. (And the weakest people are the ones of whom the most territory is robbed of).
And it is done by looks; by dropping attention from a person in the middle of his sentence. By not giving him feedback. And about the feedback:. It is a strange thing but if a person says something,. And instead of getting back the response he deserves, he gets back fifty % less. Now this less 50 % – decreases his territory. And he shrinks because he doesn’t get the space by the responds that he deserves.
So undar the surface, territories shrink and inflate, every few seconds, and people feel good and suddenly bad, and not knowing why.
And it goes on all the time, without any awarness. And then one day they feel upset, and one day the friend/guest gets an argument with his friend and left. Now he thinks it is the argument. But it is not the argument at all. …
So most of the relationship between people is an iceberg which is hidden under the ground (and only the nuances of body language gives indication of of what is happening under the iceberg.
And what is happening there? Well, because it is out of consciousness, it is like a dark cave, where chaos and anarchy take place,
4. Under the iceberg
Basically all the emotions in the cave are ruled by a tyrannical couple, called: happiness and bad feelings. They rule in turn, and they rule easily, for all of the iceberg (90% op the person) identifies with both of them, whoever is in power. One is overjoyed with one’s happiness and gets lost and shocked when gets hurt. When one identifies he losses the objective view. And instead of seeing what is for what it is, one sees only that which will help him to be happier. And when something threatens it, he goes into shock, a panic and get lost in it: Being lost in the swap of the hurt emotions is called: personal, or emotional, involvement.
People basically want to feel good (be happy) all the time and they want to escape from feeling bad. And a lot of what they do on the outside is actually motivated by a powerful hidden motive: not to feel bad, not to have low self image, but to feel good, to have a high self image.
This cleavage to feeling good gets one into a self imposed concentration camp, very narrow and small. The size of it is motovated by the wish to escape as many minefields as possible. But this does not help, for the dynamics of life pulls one out of this dangen. And then he explodes on the first mine he meets, and gets into a deep personal involvement… the more one goes towards happy- The more there are forces that challenge it.
You attract what you are afraid of.
People are preoccupied with feeling good and not feeling good, but life, real life, begins at the level above that, and above personal interest altogether.
Only when a person goes out of himself. Out of identifying with his personal emotional interest,. away from being the centre of the world and actually sees the world without him in it- only then can he begin to start exploring life, and only then life can begin happening to him. Yes, life, this powerful moving force can move him. But as long as he (which means: his personal feelings and emotions) is going to be the centre of life – then he is going to be in the prison of his ego, and being in prison means being locked out of the stream of life.
To be alive is to get out of the emotional prison. And to be part of what is happening.
But this will not happen as long as there is no space between oneself and what is happening to him. Unless there will be this distance between one and what happens to one – nothing will happen to him. Only when he has this distance something can and will happen.
5. The Picture of Life!
People actually think it is the opposite; they think they are not involved enough. They think they did not find yet the stimuli that will cause them to totally get lost in it, and that this is desirable. But this is the opposite; they have too much stimuli, and they are constantly over exited, in and about their life..Their life is a telenovela… Only when we are free of our slavery to our over involvement and excitement with our emotions, can we experience the greatness and the powerful drama of real life. We put ourselves too much in the picture. And when we put ourselvesin the picture, we don’t see the picture, and we do not see ourselves…
Well, we place ourselves in the picture. And by doing so we block the happening of the picture; When we identify with what is happening – we do not see, nor do we experience, what is happening.
The reason one is part of what is going on and does not see what is going on, is because one is, all the time, preoccupied, with himself !
I am saying, and this sounds paradoxical: the only way that life will happen to you, is when you will go out of the way and look at it from the outside !
In other words:, we are a hotel, we needs guest to go through. But imagine the bellboy of the hotel, stands at the door, bloking it, and the workers seat in the restaurant, and sleep in the guest’s beds. When we are too much occupied with our own personal aspects of life (sleeping in the guests beds) we do not allow life (guests) to go through.
Life is an amazing stream of drama’s and happening. But we need to be not involved in it. We need to be empty. This is the philosophy of Zen; to be empty, empty of thoughts, empty of ego. So that life can happen.
We think rationalization is getting out of a personal identification with one’s life and emotions. On the contrary. Rationalization is a cover,
It is not the essence. Rationalization actually allows us to be imprisoned by our personal subjugation (with what is happening), while at the same time we give ourselves the illusion that we are not. Rationalism gives us the illusion that we are not involved, while at the same time we think that we have a rational view. I think I need to give an example.
Example: a woman who is usually getting involved in relationship in such a way, that when she is in the relationship, she can’t concentrate on anything. She is an artist, but she neglects her art. And when she does not, she puts in it all her crisises with men. She moves from one crisis to another, getting lost in it.
She goes to a good psychologist and he tells her: ‘Listen, all this is happening to you because your mother didn’t give you enough love and your father was too buisy at work. And this is why you’ve got this incredible insecurity about being loved.’
So she says: ‘Great ! now I understand it!’ This is pure rationalization. It doesn’t free her from being over-involved in her love affairs . This, so called understanding, does not free her from her over invovment because it has no depth, core understanding, But a cover-up story that looks like depth understanding..
So what is the way to have real depth understanding? Well, by inner observation. When you feel that you are going to get lost in the situation. And you don’t see what is going on. Because you are too concerned with what happens to you -you should stop and decrees your involvement. And instead of letting the panic rise up you could allow it by 30 % only. For not more than 30 % involvement get one melted with his emotions. And he is gone.
If you do not train yourself not to be over involved with your personal aspects, and to develop an observer eye – you will block the passage of life.
The observers view exists in an inner space between one and the ups and downs of his emotions. Life can go through only if there is an inner space. For when you are identifying with you – life can not go through. we cant be the centre, if we do, we don’t allow guests in the hotel ! AND GUESTS ARE LIFE FOR THE HOTEL.
Once a person buys a hotel. He should get out of the hotel. And let guests come in. we are not alive because we are too buisy with our hapiness. Or a lack of happiness, usually a lack of happiness.
The more involved they will become, the LESS life will happen to them. But people want to be totally involved, to get lost in a relationships in which they loose theirs haeds.
GS: experience that will blows them of.
G: Experiences that will blow their mind. Life is not meant for us, it is not meant for the emotional us. It is meant for our souls. Our souls here needs to experience. And to grow by experience. We block the inner being in us, which is our soul, from getting experiences. We are like the person in the army camp, or at the gate of the moll, standing at the gate not allowing people in.
Our emotions are like this gate keeper. Or they are more like a vampire, they rob every experience that comes in. So nothing is left for the poor soul…
What happens is not for us, to enjoy or not enjoy it. We should look at it, uninvolved, letting it come and meet something in us that needs it .Experience is not for the emotional us, is for the soul us -to grow in life matter. And for the conscious us – to grow in knowing and wisdom.
But the emotional disturbance is not the only one, there is our mind. For an example is the way we listen. What is the best way to listen? To move the head to one side and let what the other person says without interfering. But all the time while we are trying listen – there is this person in the head muttering: ne, ne, ne, all the time. It is getting in like a loud radio between 2 people trying to have a conversation; It says things, gives commentary like: ‘ah that reminds me of what my uncle said to mew, and: ‘oh I don’t agree with it’… But excuse me! Who asked you? This input is not for you!
We have too much noise in our minds and the emotions are over involved. And because of this we can not get what we need in order to grow what should grow. Our consiousness is blank and our soul is starving. It has no real nourishment, food. Actually it is in a very aressted stage.
The only way to let it come ino maturity is to let it get experience. Now, we are afraid that if we don’t stop the experience on a mental or emotional level, we will experience nothing. We don’t understand that we shouldn’t experience. We should let something in us experience.
Example: what we do to our self, we do to others in a conversation, we interrupt, put our opinion between us and what they say, and getting emotionally involved with almost every thing they say about us.
9. Inner life
What makes an artist an artist? His ability to accesses the inner life. he listens to what the inner life digests. And after he is able to do that, he gives it an expression. And here I am coming to what I want to say: we shouldn’t be involved with our inner life. We should observe them.
We don’t look inside because we are afraid. Because inside there is doubt, there is all the fears and all the things that we didn’t need that we pushed inside. Inside we find two things: emptyness and monsters, which we push inside.
10. Sad situation
It is actually a sad thing. I think life is turned to be a telenovela, but it could be a drama. Because in drama there are forces which move something, get somewhere. There is dynamic streaming, like the weather map. But instead of letting the drama of life move us, we get involved with a telenovela of our personal life. We turn everything into a telenovela by taking everything personally. and what I want to say is that when happiness and suffering becomes the major actors in our life -You cant have a goal in your life. Because they will distract you to the sides. For example: when you go to work, you cant work thinking: ‘oh I am not happy. I am not going to do that because I am not happy. You push it to one side because you got something more important. But people do not have inner personal goals in their life because of the over all dominance of this two. When you meet people and ask them what do they want from their life, the answer is one thing: ‘I want to be happy.’
Now if they want to be happy. I am sorry. If you want to be happy why don’t you shoot heroine. You will be very happy. If happiness is your God, you are going nowhere. Anyone who is going somewhere needs to push happiness to one side and to be able to suffer a lack of happiness.
Humanity, everything around us, the invention of the refrigerator, the airconditioning, is all extending the time of our happiness. Television, everything. We are going nowhere, just in a circle around the biggest empire of our happiness.
Human race is in a sad situation. From time to time, saviers, thinkers, shake people in thier consciousness, but after they finished, humanity does bacl to worship happiness, and reduce suffering. While all the great break through in the human race happened via suffering and lake of happiness.
Revised and edited by: Gabriel Raam 28.7.2007